This morning, I am in a state of realization. I am remembering now why I came to California and how much I have done here and how much I long to do. I have finally moved to a more perfect area of the city and one in which I hope will offer more opportunities if only by physical proximity. My roommate and I have discussed several times our need to express ourselves and to be creative. I hope to work on my insecurities and occasional alcohol abuse. I would like to live a clearer life and feel less weighed down by hangovers and mild depressions.
The man I left Indiana for has not only moved back to our home state but has met someone else in LA and will probably move back here for her. At first I felt rejection. He is over me and ready to explore his life with someone else. I googled this morning 'how to move on after an ex' while still in bed and it was surprisingly helpful. I'm not really holding onto him as a person but more holding on to what I thought my future was going to be. To be frank, I'm actually glad my future does not involve that person as it was full of nightmarish trauma. We were both at fault and now we are both free of fault. The situation no longer matters.
Now to define California and Los Angeles on my own terms. What is most important to me right now is that I make a priority to become physically and emotionally well. I can't be creative if my mind is reeling or my body is aching from last nights abuse. I must move on from my mid-20s and accept that a new chapter is here. There is no need to hold on to the memories of the past or my past behavior. I would like to wake up and fully enjoy all parts of my day without the shadow of all of my bad habits.
It is possible.
I applied for a job this morning. The job is copywriting work and seems easy enough. I quoted the guy for .10 a word as it seems to the be the low end industry standard. He did not post in his ad for sample writing material but if he needs it and he gives me a couple of days I am sure I can come up with something. You have to fake it to make it sometimes. Really, most of my fake writing is probably better than if I were to present some of the other pieces I have done in which my heart wasn't in it.
The dream goal is to work freelance and to work my full time job. For now. I want out of the full time job but I need the paycheck to transition and it provides the stability I need should the first freelance gigs I get fall through. I am sure many of them will as that is the struggle with being an 'artist'. Not everyone wants your first work and assuredly as the 'artist' also doesn't really want it. Reminds me of when I started painting, almost everything I produced at first was awful and discouraging but if you stick with it long enough you get better and you accept and work around your weak spots.
As Vonnegut would say, So it goes. Let's hope I can get this ship out of port and to the vast seas of the unknown but perhaps this time I might not be so drunk behind the wheel.
Good luck to you!!! It's always a hard road for the creative. Can't wait to read more of your writing. You definitely sound like an artist ... It can only grow from here :)
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