Morning run...

Snow...

Yesterday it started to snow in Burbank as I was on the way to the theater. I was shocked and mildly pissed off because my windshield wipers are awful.

This too shall pass...

I think I almost lost myself for a long year or two. I'm ok with pushing forward, now. Cutting ties and going it alone.

Enter through the exit and exit through the entrance.

Seize the day...

move on.

Outline

Lately I've been treating this writing thing like a job. Sit down, shut up, write something. I've been writing and thinking for about 2 hours now and I cannot come up with an outline for a story I might like to write someday. One simple stupid fucking outline. My body is very calm but my mind is racing. I can't decide if I am a moron that can't piece together a couple of sentences today or if this is a permanent thing and I just need to rip the arteries that lead to my brain and to my heart, throw them on the floor, set them on fire, jump on them, and cut any tie that the two might have to each other. Obviously, this will create a bloodbath and I will die but I would rather die than sit in front of a blank page like an idiot and not come up with one simple fucking outline.

Good grief.

This is the most passion I've bothered to write in quite some time.

Accept it and move on...

plunged deep into her heart
like a cavern she was
carving out for herself
her emptiness was physical
now and she understood
how important and self righteous
that made her feel.

she could show her emptiness
to the people she proclaimed
it existed
finally someone would understand now
and maybe even be sympathetic.

oh, how impressed she was with
herself
she felt hard small breaths
squeeze out of her body
and increasingly she felt
smaller until she floated
to the ground and rest
her head on the bathroom floor
the cool floor
for a second
comforted her

she closed her eyes softly and
thought about devotion.

Sunday morning...ok, afternoon.

Working on a mix that expresses my feelings about California. This is hard. Should be limited to one song but I can't possibly give a friend a mix tape containing only one song. Asshole.

Anyway, I've been listening to records all morning. Cramming my head with a bunch of new sounds, songs, feelings, etc. 2011 is going to a great year for new music. I like this electro/fuzz/slowed down dark-pop bullshit everyone is putting out. Reminds me of listening to slow goth industrial bands in high school. Kudos to Salem for they seem to be the best of the bands producing that type of sound.

Jason Schwartzman and his wife had their baby. Marlowe Rivers. I approve of the name but am sad that he is married. I'll never get over it.

So this is the new year...

And I feel a lot fucking different.

For starters, I don't feel like LA is a haze covered landfill. I'm being nicer to my adopted city this year. I'm getting her ready for the influx of Midwesterners that are coming out here to put down roots and most importantly to surf the shoreline. There is a lot to look forward to and I won't bore any of my life stalkers with the details but its all there and we will wait patiently for it to come together.

Meanwhile, I'm writing. I'm creating. I'm thinking and I feel closer to myself. I like aging. I hate the lines on my face but I like that my body and mind are calming down and I can look at situations and others without only my own interests in mind. I've learned over these years that sun truly does not revolve around me. I'm letting go of my selfish needs in hopes that I am a light in more than one person's life this year.

I won't give up.