August 14, 2010

I spent most of my day writing and as I am wrapping up, cleaning my workspace, and putting away my typewriter I though I should look back on something I had previously written. I found a piece from August, which was not very long ago according to the calendar, but seems so far removed from the person I am today. I guess that means in a couple more months I will have survived more growing pains but those pains will have resulted in personal progress and some small accomplishments.

So it goes...

It’s tiring to carry so many people and so many memories in my heart and probably more so in my mind. I feel like I carry eight people, dead weight, fully clothed soaked in water. One day I am going to walk out of a mundane place and just leave them there to die and never feed them again. I will seem much lighter in my step and the sun will shine brighter on me than anyone else. People will notice and I will feel accomplished in a much deeper way than my previous brushes with success. It seems like changing a part of your life should be as easy as switching off one light in the house then turning on another. Seems like there is a wall of concrete reinforced with steel holding me back and trapping myself in my own head. I let society dictate me constantly.
“I can’t do something because of you…I can’t do something because you aren’t sober. I can’t do something because you don’t take yourself seriously…I can’t do something because you are too jealous… It’s hard to live with you…My social life suffers…You drink too much…You work a dead end job…You don’t have any hopes or dreams.”
Have you ever wanted to shrug off all doubt and call it a day and give all the money away you have ever made? Walk into a clear night with the moon out and the cornfield crunch beneath your feet, drop to your knees and slit your wrists and provide the very thing everyone has wanted your whole life.
Your blood
Your heart
Your soul

Spill in onto the ground…

Your dreams
Your desires
Everything you hate about yourself

Belongs to no one. Nobody gets a piece of it.

This is just a tidal swell of anger and resentment built up over years of neglect and abuse of my own self. I will give myself a chance and I will allow myself to express creativity in my everyday life. I am learning about myself everyday and taking the time to appreciate how my life is changing and the changes I am installing and orchestrating and the plans I choose to follow through.

How many times have I sat by a window.
Starring out into the darkness
Questioning myself and my motives
Bored
I could literally peel the paint off the walls
Looking onto the street
And so I marched into the city
And the bikes along the Heorot inspired me.

I dread going home. The other day I fantasized that the plane would experience engine trouble and the other passengers and I will fall to our deaths. I am such a coward though and could never entertain these thoughts seriously. I don’t want to open the front door of my house and walk into my parents divorce. Only six months ago I walked into a familiar setting. My parents watching television together, my mom on the loveseat and my dad on the sofa as they both drink beer, talk to me and talk to each other. My mom would talk about the politics playing on the news while filling the house with cigarette smoke. Usually mom and dad would talk about the news but mostly the weather. The setting was very boring and the air almost toxic but at least everything was harmonious.
I have no idea what I am going to face now. Will they be shouting at each other? I have this vision that they will start fighting, screaming in each other’s faces and I will have to panic and step in. I might say something about respect and in fear stand up to both of them.
The fox, the mole, the beetle and the bat by sweet reserve and modesty get
Fat.
Spend too much time trying not to be creative that I have almost spiritually killed myself. Seems I am just letting myself get fat and dumb by not doing what makes me happy. Thoreau was happy flying solo.
To be honest, most of the time I think ill of people and spend a lot of my day pondering how to keep away from people so they don’t see me and how to keep very quiet so they cannot detect me. That I can pass through the day without too much mindless distraction. Even if no one else notices me I know myself and I know that I am not doing enough for my craft or for myself.